If I could have my wasted days back...

Tonight's post is a series of items encountered today that engendered raging commentary from my synaptic highways and byways. You know I'm about as opinionated as they come, and I often go overboard to get my point across, but I hope you can see the perspective from which I make my stand. I am not angry because I'm frustrated with these happenings, I'm angry because I really believe in the power of people to be good and these examples have such ingrained wrongs in them. The root of all of these problems can be traced back to a point where a choice was made that could simply have gone the other way. Quite simply in fact. The snowball those choices set in motion brought about these saddening events.

My Equity and Diversity class should be renamed "why white people are bad". I don't care what happened in the past. It didn't involve me, therefore I am burdened with no inheritance of some sort of debt to pay or action needing to be taken. My opposition here would come at me with the accusation that I am tacitly accepting the status quo by not acting for change. Well, bleeding heart liberal accuser, what about you? If you just decided one day that the status quo of inequality and white privilege no longer existed. Don't write this off as pointless naivete. If the belief that a human (hopefully all humans) can simply walk away from inequality and treat every other human with respect and decency is labeled as naivete then we might as well just give up as a human race. Yes, inequality is written in the system, written in the law, but taking up the labels of the movement for equity, whether PC or not, is not the way to win this battle. This is a battle that should be fought over hearts and minds, not law and procedure. I have yet to sit in a class with a bunch of racists. so what are we accomplishing here? The short and simple answer is: nothing. The actions we take as teachers, if we are good people, will guide our students towards being good people. There is no need for sensitivity training, victimization, blaming the other, or any of the other conceptual fallacies that have hijacked teacher training. I'm ready for equality. Why won't you just stop yelling at me that my group (a false identification, by the way. I am a human, and that's it. If you want to break down humanity in any way for any reason, be it PC or not, you are welcoming back in the system of inequality you so loathe) did wrong and let me and peers show the world that we get the message. There's inequality in the system. It serves no purpose, and could go away at our whim. Oh the day our whims finally land on this simple ideal. I imagine we'll be impressed at how easy it was.

Let's continue on. Logging in to facebook tonight during class I saw several shares and reshares of a CNN article on some guy who left a 1% tip on a $133 bill, so $1.33. My first thought: why is this newsworthy? Then I saw that the douchebag wrote "get a real job" as well. I don't claim to be privy of the particular payment practices of the restaurant that this waitress worked at, but I still feel like this is being blown out of proportion. Listen close, folks: douchebags will act like douchebags and good people will act like good people. Maybe the service was bad and he tipped accordingly (the service would have to be pretty abhorrent to prompt the "get a job" remark). Maybe the service was good and he is just your average jerk. These things happen. Again, these things happen. It makes no difference that the guy was an investment banker in a restaurant in Newport beach. Good service deserves good tips, OK service deserves OK tips, and bad service yes indeed might deserve basically no tip. Nothing has changed here, people. I once re-evaluated my tipping practices when I was convinced that I was being a jerk, and I've never gone back. Decide what you think is fair and stick to it.

Today whilst at lunch w/my ma I happened to glance up at the TV occasionally. Over the course of a tri-tip sandwich I witnessed an unfolding high school shooting followed by a report of a Fifth grader dead from a head trauma received while fighting a classmate, both girls. My first response: "Oh. Great." (DISCLAIMER, if you don't know me you absolutely must understand that I do not mean "great" in it's literal sense! that would make me rather sociopathic. I'm pretty sure that's not the case.) "Oh. Great." That simple sarcastic statement carries with it an innumerable amount of context informing its true meaning. those two words are loaded with a disgust for misplaced importance, a broken system, the victimization of those who otherwise would be strong, poor parenting, poor peer pressure, socioeconomic inequality, religious fanaticism, and vested self interest. My words aren't of cynicism, but of disappointment. If only...
If only... those two words deserve even more context. The day "if only..." is answered, "oh, great" won't be necessary. I dearly wish for my words to become irrelevant.


Today was Mirrorless Monday at CSUN. These covered most, if not all the mirrors around the school.



"Trust us, you look great.
Take a break from the mirror today and be good to
yourself and your body, regardless of appearance.
Know that you are so much more than how you look
Celebrate your own inner beauty today, and look
beyond others outer appearances to find the positive
qualities they possess.

Write something "positive" on the paper
if you agree with the message!"

1. I completely understand the need for those who suffer from eating disorders should feel accepted and included no matter their issues. It saddens me though, that an awareness week is seen as the proper way to make these people feel empowered. I would feel mighty lonely if I had to wait for one week a year to have people look around at what might be happening in their close friends.

2. I am more saddened by the idea that a paper could inform me of my self worth. I've been greatly influenced by a great many things I've read, but every single piece of empowering literature I've encountered made me feel empowered through it's insight and perspective, not a plain statement of my value as a person. That being said, if anyone was reminded of their self worth by these papers, I'm more than happy for them. Self worth is very valuable indeed.

3. A great deal of positive messages were written on the adjoining green construction paper. Many were actually inspirational, creative, and fun. I would venture a confident opinion that most of these were written by females. Akin to postsecret and "Found", the student-created tapestry was very artistic and beautiful because of its relevance and immediacy.

On the flip side I found myself somewhere between amusement and chagrin when confronted by the same papers in the men's locker room. Many had been torn down and the ones remaining up had the typical "fuck this shit" mentality all over them. www.whyyouhateyourself.com, drawings of penises, overuse of the slur "faggot", etc. Normally I find these things amusing because of the "fuck this shit mentality", and those feelings weren't lacking today. I feel my generation has a fair share of disillusioned non joiners-I count myself as one of them rather often. But at the same time, it is quite sobering to see how quickly my generation shits on well intentioned ideas, not matter the level of cheesiness. Judgments made in haste are quite susceptible to error.

Re-reading some emails earlier today while trying to formulate a response to someone, I was quite sobered by how much I could agree with my old statements and still recall how torn up inside I felt. The things I was accused of were more true than I wanted them to be. Truth is inexorable and I reminded myself of that today. I still agree with many of the statements I made in the aftermath, but dammit all if I wasn't blind to some of those wrongdoings. le sigh. I guess I had to learn by juxtaposing those old emails with the experience I've gained since. Sometimes the most reluctant learning is the most insightful.


"Take down this Molotov of words
Penned with you in mind"

I dunno about you, but when I use good, colorful words in my conversation speech and writing I feel better about myself. Conversely, when I struggle to find words that mean what I want to say, that are far more eloquent and accomplish more meaning with less space, I feel rather 'tarded. To somehow counter this I've been trying to write down good words that I'm familiar with but don't use often enough. I'm resisting the urge to consult the list right now for seeming like a reborn christian for vocabulary. You're all appreciative, I'm sure. Problem with this venture is that I tend to think fo great words in my head while walking around or at the gym and forget the words by the time I remember I should write them down. Imagine being a genius with short term memory loss...

left brain v. right brain

Verbal vs. Visual
Remembering Names vs. Remembering Faces
Likes Details vs. Likes Big Picture
Linear-goes step by step vs. Holistic-does everything at once
Controls feelings vs. Lets feelings go
Time-oriented vs. Spatially oriented
Auditory/visual learner vs. Kinesthetic learner
Analytical vs. Creative
Seat of Happiness vs. Seat of Sadness.

I'm left handed, so I'm Right brained. I feel like 8 or so of the 9 left brained characteristics match me while only 7 of the right brained ones match. ONLY 7! I must be mentally ambidextrous. Admittedly some of the right brained stuff only came to me after I got happy and I still occasionally struggle with, but I'm fully capable of everything on that list. I wonder if researchers looking into my brain would call me an over-achiever. More likely they'd call me an unrelenting narcissist. What the fuck to they know anyways, with their doctorates and whatnot.



lonely? Am I? When I'm by myself, sometimes. When I'm with company, less often but still occasionally. Not lonely enough to compromise my values and I'm glad I didn't. That would have been such a crappy situation and I would have known where it was headed from the get go. I'm glad to have been honest and upfront to save that friendship. On other fronts with former prospectives I have recently bowed out of what could have turned into a race in favor of being humble and admitting that they were a better match, I've unfortunately had to battle back the long-coming resentment that finally arrived, and I've had to admit to myself that another was on my radar much longer than I was on hers. No current prospectives, and that's okay for now. I'm doing my best to not be antisocial with my free hours and not write any interactions off. I don't care how stupid it sounds, I feel my personality is making its presence known again in social situations and for that I am excited.

That being said, how valid can I expect it to be this time versus all the other times I've postulated great futures? Well more valid of course! This one struck me a few days back, how fully in touch and correct our current worldview is at any given moment when only months, weeks, or just days later we'll realize it wasn't quite as perfect as we thought. The best worldviews are the ones that have the least chipped away from them with time. Luckily for me the amount of posts that I still agree with are increasing, and many come from 2010-2011, so I'm hoping that THIS worldview, the one I have today, stays majority intact. Doubtful, but hey, I don't know whats gonna stick till the future so fug it, we'll do it live!

-___-

The definition of this expression is seeing this on your facebook feed on v-day:

I just want to give a shout out to ***************! For successfully ruining my second Valentine's day in a row and making me cry at the end of the day! And me being completely empty handed with gifts! CONGRADULATIONS! I DIDNT THINK ANYONE COULD FUCK UP AS MUCH AS YOU COULD!


There are so many sad and pathetic issues going on here. This is the embodiment of childhood despair and selfishness that should have been long gone, and yet continually perpetuates itself. You can't live without drama. It feeds you because it's the only outlet by which you know to garner attention. Never mind that the attention brought is trite, useless schlock that merely backs up your insanely disproportionate selfishness. No, that clearly doesn't matter. It's attention and that's all that you've ever wanted. I'm sure THIS attention, on my blog, would send you into a senseless rage about how little I know of your "unique" brand of childhood neglect and struggle and how I have no right to judge you. More power to you. This is far from the truth, but I don't know If you'll ever see that. If you gave up the need for pointless attention and pointless selfishness you'd see that I wish the system had never become so fucked up as to fail you and other children to such a severe degree. You're the product of emotional vacancy, not emotional vacancy incarnate. You could be as full of individuality as any one of humanities greatest, if only you realized you don't have to choose to be a victim. ever. It's not a hard choice to make, it's just so far buried under all your other "options" that you're blind to it. I sincerely wish you sight.

Sorry all else, that doesn't necessarily concern you, but I needed it written somewhere. The post was predictably removed the next morning and I needed to capture it when my feelings on the matter were fresh. Imagine the day we end our tragic romance with drama. What a grand day that will be.

In other areas, I'm finishing my "Eat-it-all" card at Fab Hot Dogs Tonight! Hurray for Americas continued support of gluttonous opportunity!!!

Come on, it wouldn't be MY post if I didn't end it tongue in cheek, would it? Nope.

We’ve all made better moves
despite the slowing of our feet

A couple weeks back my Dad was about to use the shower, but I had just gotten back from the gym and needed to be somewhere in a matter of minutes. Allowing me to go first, he said "hurry up then".

My Response: Don't worry, I'll Shower at the speed of nudity!"

I'm still not quite sure what that statement means. I think the gist is pretty apparent.

You know your vegas trip is going to go well when 30 seconds after you pull into the parking lot at the Casino you begin taking long pulls of Jungle juice out of the Gallon-container you brought along. David and I did Vegas the right way. The gallon was finished within 45 minutes of our arrival (20 of which were taken up by checking in). With a marathon start we were actually able to keep our pacing up rather well with a good amount of resting and gambling in between drinks and walking around. Must have adventured through at least ten resorts I haven't been to yet. Highlights:

-The Buffet of Buffets-PRIME RIB. ALL YOU CAN EAT. (I ate all I could)

-Vegas McDonalds: They have SPICY McChickens. Good 2 am drunk food on the strip. Esp. when $1 margaritas are literally 100 feet away.

-Mixing a half bottle of Capt., a half bottle of amaretto, and a single 20 oz. of pepsi (otherwise known as "stronger than normal", to put it mildly) in our ice bucket. Why? We only had enough change for one pepsi and I was too drunk to think to mix in the gallon jug. Killed that rather quickly.

-Two Bums dressed in Mickey and Minnie costumes. Dirty ones. Both were drinking 40's of Bud Light and flipping off all the Pedestrians walking past the Flamingo.

-Sitting down in the elevator to our room because I was goddamned tired of standing. David may have tried to help me up. I may have let Gravity have a stronger influence than normal. I may have been dragged out the elevator. I may have left a needlessly long message to Nick Petoyan before going to sleep. I may have been confused about the space-time continuum of reality in my message.

A well spent Birthday in other words =)

Since then:

-Student teaching at West Ranch has begun. It's been a very pleasant experience thus far. Great kids with a wide range of personalities and ability levels. Some of them have taken to calling me "Dr. Professor" even though I am neither. I don't discourage them.

-Final Concert at Rosemont MS. I'm gonna miss the little guys. Some really amazing kids who worked hard, came with a smile every morning, and wished me a good day after class.

-Replaced the brakes and Axles on the Acura. $500 plus repair job accomplished for under $200

-Two final goodbye meals of Tri-tip with Alec. One with the ramblers and One Man to man. We followed up with some Halo for the first time in three years. Good luck in Austin, Buddy.

-NIGHTWISH CONCERT!!!! Some Fab hot dogs followed by a fuckin amazing concert at the Gibson Amphitheatre w/Nick and Moe Moe dressed in our gothic best. Broke out the old emo boots for good measure. Look a lot better now on a skinnier person with nice jeans and a leather jacket =P My neck is still sore.

-Nightwish brought the Uilleann pipe they recorded their last two albums with to the show. They played Last of the Wilds!!! I love that song.

A couple days ago I was musing over something I read in one of Tucker Max's books about women and a connection made itself in my brain. One of those nice moments where you've thought over the material many times, gone over it in fine detail because it was rather important, and some tiny new perspective comes along and BAM! all that rehearsed material makes ten times more sense. THAT's way they act that way. THAT's why it's different from me. Almost a bittersweet realization, cause it makes me think nothing could have been done to make things work out, given the fundamental difference in how that behavior came to be in them compared with myself. Is behavior caused by others compatible with behavior caused for yourself? My own food for thought I guess.

Vague, I know, but the particulars aren't actually that important. My point was the question about behaviors. No need to cloud the pertinent info.

On another train of thought, is it weird that I feel like reading Tucker Max has added another dimension to my worldview. I know I will never do the things he's done, not because I couldn't, but because I enjoy life a little differently. But I don't fault the man for his excess. I applaud it. He's got to be one of the most pragmatic people I've read. He knows exactly what's up and enoys himself all the way up to the edge of his own lines which are not at all unreasonable. If others can't see that and take a joke for what it is, fuck em. Definitely a viewpoint I've espoused. To summarize, my list of writes who have influenced my worldview goes Richard Dawkins, George Carlin, Carl Sagan, Daniel Quinn, Tucker Max. I dare you to find someone else with that list of influences.

Given my time constraints and my lack of 100% inspiration to begin writing this post, my writing tonight isn't quite up to par. Apologies. I really wanted to get this post out though while my previous two thoughts were fresh. Sometimes the raw material is all you're gonna get, and it may be rough or polished. Those two were rough. This last one I'm actually rather proud of. Painting the eaves of the house recently I happened upon a phrase to describe myself while floating along the lazy stream that is my thoughts. Words fell towards each other and seemed to find a liking for one another:

I'm the type of guy that wants
the fine details in your bottom line
and the bottom line of all your fine details.

Exhibit #1: The affair of the Ramblermobile, an automotive love parable.

Whilst in possession of the rambler mobile I have:

-Put about 4000 miles on it(2008: 13,000 miles)
-Backed into a dumpster (2008: the dent is still there)
-had my stereo stolen
-hot wired another stereo into the car
-Replaced the windshield wipers (not really significant, but i cut my finger and the wound is still there)
-Got in an accident on devonshire/wilbur.

2008:
-The windshield cracked for some reason, worsened, and then was replaced for the nifty sum of $180
-Replaced the blown-out front and back speakers
-Installed a new, functioning, non-hot-wired stereo
-put a gallon of gas in it that cost less than my previous low ($1.63 as opposed to $2.69)
-Made two bay area round trips in one week
-Broke 100MPH for the first time
-On the second bay area round trip I had to explain to Alec that 100MPH does not produce the best mileage
-Some bitch knocked off my passenger side view mirror in a parking lot
-Drove around for three weeks with duct tape and electrical tape holding my mirror up
-Bought a $70 value mirror and did a $100 install job for only $45. (It's actually a 2000 mirror, but no one cares...no, not even you...)

2009:
-On a trip to santa cruz to see Tammi in early January it was decided that the suspension of the ramblermobile is unsuited for five twentysomethings.
-Radiator exploded in may when jess and I were beach-bound. Replaced for an easy $45.
-New Tires(reference blog post dated: Oct. 25th, 2009)
-New brake pads and rotors
-New drivers side front axle (going in TODAY!)
-pending: trip to portland!

2010:
-My car has overheated five times this year: One exploded water pump, one exploded hose, and three times just because she wanted to be an uppity bitch.
-Two Weeks ago I broke 100,000 Miles.
-Nick and I de-greased the engine with an aerosol can and a pressure washer...in the rain
-My interior floors turned into Lake Integra this last week with the heavy rains. Prognosis: still drying...

2011:
-Sitting at about 118,000 miles
-Replaced all four tires over the past few months. one collision, one blowout, two ready to blowout.
-My front bumper is losing it's clear coat. It was replaced in my 2007 crash and the paint job isn't holding up =/
-My e-brake and abs light have been on for the past month with no perceivable explanation. hmm...getting near the end possibly.

Exhibit#2: The parabola of classes that would not die

Uhh, where'd the last five months go? Oh yeah they took forever in a second. yes, forever in a second. I commented in an earlier post that the ambiguity of juggling the various facets of my life struck me as correct. That's definitely true, but the regularly scheduled program of being Daniel this semester made time go really fast. I passed everything with A's and got credit for student teaching, so I guess I did something right. Wheeew. a brief breather now.

Next semester I've got three night classes, student teaching placement at WR teaching both concert bands and orchestra, and observing jazz. AND, I'm still playing principal in both concert bands at CSUN. I don't know of any other credential student that kept playing in ensembles. Oh yeah, that's because they were out trying to make money. It's a trade-off, and maybe one that I should make myself, but Im just not ready to stop playing yet.


Exhibit #3: Pack Mule DSD, the worker.

Rosemont MS: Well let's see here. I knew about this much about strings before getting in front of the class: ___________. Yep, that much. What a learning experience it's been. Honestly the hardest part has been classroom management for younger students. I'm pretty much well equipped for dealing with high-schoolers, but the middle schoolers definitely have a different temperament and attention span. I really like all of my kids. No attitude problems whatsoever. First performance in November went well and our final Holiday concert is a couple days after we come back in January.

Granada: Hmm, it's all about what you put in. I know I could have done more, but I always hesitate if I'm not being dealt with as a professional. It's a toss-up between what the students deserve and what I deserve and unfortunately sometimes the students lose out. We always hope for change.

West Ranch: Hands down the best west ranch I've ever worked with. Good, hard-working kids with very little ego about them. Also a demonstration of how good students can perform a good product at a high level and still get a C+ at the end of the season. -_-. The vagaries of the judging community irk the bejeezus out of me. I don't necessarily think that WR should have placed higher than 6th-it was the BEST lineup of 5A groups in probably the past five years. I DO think that a group that scored an 88 two weeks priod to finals shouldn't EVER receive a 79 at championships. Imagine what it feels like to be a student who doesn't even understand the variance of subjective judging. Must suck.

Exhibit #4: The Rambler Identity, the Ricochet Supremacy, and the UPDATE Ultimatum

This exhibit may be a bit harder than usual to pull off. The ramblers still exist. We even had an emergency meeting back in October. And yet, the updates this year are quite tiny. Such is the life. I met with David in the end of September to talk about a big life descision and his trepidation about what the others would think. I couldn't help but look back to the post I made after George and Kirstens engagement party.

"These moments tell me that we have something that can't be broken. It can be pulled taut, stretched out, crumpled up, stepped on, stepped over, and tied in knots, but it just can't break. It may be small, and probably is...but I like it that way."

That sentence is probably the best thing I've ever written. Not just on this blog, but anywhere. The Ramblers isn't some antiquated piece of nostalgia from our high school years. Our relationships may be turned down to their minimum setting but we can always pick up where we left off like it was yesterday. I take a great deal of solace in the fact that I'm not naively stretching reality to make this true. It just is. No stretching of truth required.

Blarne: Somehow Blaine's innate ability to fall upward in life happened to find him the perfect job. He's teaching taiko as a full time teacher at a catholic high school with no credential (he's more than qualified without it). He's also managing his mothers house now that she moved out and he's renting the rooms. If ever there was a person who could competently fall upward, it's him.

George: The married man. We always joke about Georges inability to have fun without being injured (dune buggys, atv's, jetski's, horses, and driftwood are among the things that have fought back), and yet his marriage to Kirsten fits him like a perfectly tailored suit. They laugh and joke with each other like when they met in our 11th grade history class, save responsibly for what is going to be a bright future, and bicker like there's no tomorrow. I wanna know who his tailor was. I'd like a suit like that one day.

Alec: This guy knows what he wants, and it's a job with Rooster Teeth. It's in Austin, TX. So he's going there. A man on a mission. I respect the shit out of that. Hat's off to you, good buddy. Don't drink anything billed as "rodeo cool". Just don't.

David: If everyone were to approach such big life choices with as much preparation, study and soul-searching as you the world would be a much better and enlightened place for it. I know you were worried and in turn lead me into a Long Island drinking spree that made me write a note to our gorgeous waitress, but your laywork was more than appropriate. I could only hope to match your courage one day.

Kim: Debatably the best debater and conversationalist I know. It may seem an odd thing to thank you for, but you spurred on a lot of my gym activity and my newfound love for indie comedy in the LA area. Truly, thanks. A friend couldn't ask for better habits, health and laughter.

Jenenya: I think our only interaction this year was when you posted a picture on my facebook of you with animal fries in one hand and a bent fork in the other whilst shrugging. I'll say it again: It warms my heart that years later you are STILL a threat to food and utensils around you.

Exhibit #5: Sounds of the DSD

let's see, let's get a recount of year by year absolute greatest songs ever

2004:
the FOB trio: Sending postcards from a plane crash,Chicago is so two years ago, the pros and cons of breathing
The metallica cover trio- Tuesday's gone, Turn the Page, Astronomy
The "end" of Dannielle trio: Vindicated, Gifts and Curses, She Will be loved)
Boondock saints- The Blood of CuChulainn
Psykosonik- Need to Die
Metallica-Fade to black

Song of the year:
FOB -The patron saint of liars and fakes

2005:FOB- Tell that mick he just made my list of things to do today
FOB- Dance dance, Sugar,were going down, I slept with someone in fall out boy and all I got was this stupid song written about me
Dragonforce-Soldiers of the wastelands
Trash can derby- Limmerock
The college duo: Santana-Trinity, Smashing Pumpkins-Disarm
Gorillaz: feel good inc
Everclear-strawberry

Song of the Year
-Celldweller- Switchback

2006:
America, Fuck yeah
Dragonforce, Through the fire and flames
Reel big fish, Everything is Cool, Your Guts (I hate 'em)
Head Automatica: The razor
The servant-Cells
Army of Freshmen, paradise
Panic! at the disco: I write sins not tragedies, Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off
30 Seconds to mars: The kill

Song of the Year:
Head Automatica: Dance Party Plus

2007
FOB-The music or the misery
FOB, Hum Hallelujah, You're Crashing, but you're no wave
Saosin-It's far better to learn, Let Go control
Incubus-Anna molly
The guitar hero duo: Megadeth-Symphony of destruction, Motorhead-Ace of Spades
My Chemical Romance- Welcome to the black parade, Famous last words
National Product- By all means, Sean Song

Song of the year:
Saosin- Sleepers

2008
Avenged Sevenfold- A Little Piece of Heaven
Fall Out Boy- Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes, (Coffee's for Closers), West Coast Smoker
Jack's Mannequin- Dark Blue
Jimmy East World- Bleed American
Metallica: All Nightmare Long, The Unforgiven III
Nightwish- Nemo, Ghost Love Score, Meadows of Heaven
Paramore: Born for This
Pendulum: Slam, Hold Your Colour, Propane Nightmares, the Tempest
The Receiving End of Sirens-Planning a Prison Break, Epilogue, Smoke and Mirrors, Saturnus

Runner-up:Nightwish-Last of the Wilds

Song of the year:The Receiving End of Sirens-The Rival Cycle

2009:

Funeral for a Friend: Into Oblivion (reunion), All Hands on Deck, Pt1: Raise the Sail
Zebrahead: the Juggernauts
Avenged Sevenfold: Strength of the World, Unholy Confessions, I Won't See You Tonight, pt.1
Jimmy Eat World: Just Tonight...
The Dear Hunter: Batesimo Del Fuoco, The Lake South, Smiling Swine, Red Hands, Dear Ms. Leading, Writing on a Wall, In Cauda Venenum, Go Get Your Gun
A Cinematic Sunrise: Pulling a Piano from a Pond, Our Honeymoon at Weston Hills
Saosin: Fireflies (Light Messengers)
A Skylit Drive: Prelude to a Dream, Heaven, A Reason for Broken Wings
Closure in Moscow: Sweet#hart, Vanguard, A Night at the Spleen, The Ghost of Twilight, Arecibo Message
Motion City Soundtrack: Disappear
The Receving End of Sirens: A Realization of the Ear, The Heir of Empty Breath, Pale Blue Dot
Fall Out Boy: Alpha Dog (ALPHAdog and OMEGAlomaniac), From now on we are Enemies

Song of the Year:

A Skylit Drive: Wires and the Concept of Breathing

2010: I realized this a while ago...but my 2010 music list is going to be huge. It's weird cause I don't feel like I've blown through any tunes too quickly, but I've justgot so much music this year and I've been able to absorb it all so quickly. Enough jabbering: tunes:

Anberlin: The Feel Good Drag, We Owe This To Ourselves, To The Wolves, Depraved
Alesana: Curse of the Virgin Canvas, The Artist, Annabel, This Conversation is Over
Emarosa: Set it Off Like Napalm
Coheed and Cambria: Welcome Home
Local Natives: Sun Hands, Airplanes, Who Knows, Who Cares
Isles and Glaciers: Kings and Chandeliers/Hills Like White Elephants
Four Year Strong: Enemy of the World
Before Their Eyes: Because 7 Ate 9, Rick vs. Nick
James Blunt: I'll Take Everything
BT: The Ghost in You, Forget Me
Pendulum: Crush, Encoder, Watercolour, The Fountain, Witchcraft
Broadway: Redeeming a Monster, Gotta Love That Southern Charm, The Prom Queen Has No Friends, Same Thing We Do Everyday Pinky
Reel Big Fish: Slow Down
In Aviate: Redefining Automation, Question Everything, Through the Light Darkly
Sleeping With Sirens: If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn, With Ears to See and Eyes to Hear, The Left Side of Everywhere/Dance Party
DJ Earworm: United State of Pop 2009: Blame it On the Pop
The Lonely Island: I'm on A Boat
Pierce the Veil: Besitos, Currents Convulsive, Fast Times at Clairemont High, Wonderless
Foxy Shazam: Bomb's Away, Wanna-Be Angel, Count Me Out, Oh Lord
D.R.U.G.S.: If You Think This Song is About You, It Probably is
Funeral for a Friend: Serpents in Solitude
Dance Gavin Dance: Surprise, I'm From Cuba, Everyone Has One Brain (that is one song)
A Skylit Drive: Balance
Eminem: Talkin 2 Myself, Going Through Changes, Not Afraid, Cinderella Man
The Receiving End of Sirens: Weightless Underwater

Song of the Year:

Pierce the Veil: The New National Anthem

2011:
Fair to Midland: Vice Versa, Walls of Jericho
A Skylit Drive: XO Skeleton, Ex Marks the Spot
Closure in Moscow: We Want Guarantees, Not Hunger Pains, Jewels for Eyes
Bayside: Killing Time
Attack Attack!: Not Afraid
Anberlin: Godspeed, Reclusion
Sleeping With Sirens: Do It Now, Remember it Later, If You Can't Hang, Fire
All Time Low: Do You Want Me Dead?, Just the Way I'm Not
I See Stars: The End of The World Party, Glow, Pop, Rock, and Roll
Skrillex: Hey Sexy Lady, Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
Less than Jake: The Science of Selling Yourself Short
Of Mice and Men: Let Live
In Fear and Faith: The Taste of Regret
Powerspace: I Met My best Friend in Prague, Sleep, Everyone...
Dead Letter Circus: Next in Line, Reaction, The Wall, Tremors
I Rival: Make Me Scream, The Pieces
Monty Are I: Dublin Waltz, In This Legacy, Only the Weak
Nicki Minaj: Super Bass
Still Remains: Stay Captive
Dearestazazel: Sex is A Sin, Dead, All Dead, the One, I Never See Them in the Dark
Tonight Alive: Breaking and Entering
Circa Survive:In Fear and Faith
Versaemerge: In Pursuing Design, Clocks
Four Year Strong: The Security of the Familiar, The Tranquility of Repetition, Bring on the World
God is an Astronaut: Age of the Fifth Sun (album)
Deas Vail: Pulling Down the Sun, Anything You Say
Secret and Whisper: You Are Familiar, Spider Besider

Special Mention:
Eminem feat. Rihanna: Love the Way You lie

This song played every night as the first in my "sleep" playlist before going to random.

Song of the Year:

Sleeping with Sirens: Let's Cheers to This


Exhibit #6: DSD

Well this particular exhibit happens to be why the Christmas post has been delayed five days. I actually got through the bulk of the post on Christmas but my state of mind wasn't aligned right to put my thoughts down. I'm not particularly sure it's in the right place now but hey, that might be a reason in and of itself to post. See what happens, ya know?

I'd say this year has been a series of boxing matches. I don't want to say struggles because that's probably what I'd label my old whine-fests. Vainly fighting some obtuse idea that I couldn't really grasp and didn't even have my own thoughts organized for. No, these boxing matches have been well balanced engagements of fisticuffs. Along with my gyming (500 days on Jan. 5th) I've been rather limber and in form for these rounds. Outcomes?

Mostly stalemates. An outside observer might very well say that I'm being harsh on myself but if I'm not satisfied with a 51% majority win I'm calling it a stalemate. Progress still needing to be made. We carry on.

What Daniel did this year:

-Confronted the dichotomy between my worldviews and how I must act to be a teacher and productive member of the society I live in (let's start off heavy why don't we!)
-Battled my naivete in several return matches when meeting a potential female interest
-Made fate out of fiction (march post) This was a battle I fought on three fronts and definitely had lasting repercussions good and bad. A LOT of my perspective on "the game" became solidified after this bout.
-Did some things in the game that I could not be more proud of
-Did some things in the game that I could not be more ashamed about.
-Came to terms with my Achilles heel. Still okay with it.
-Embraced solitude. Kinda. This didn't come easy and I'm still uncomfortable with it rather often.
-Got closer to becoming a message (July post) I find this to be one of my most important quests.
-Experienced my most musical moment at CSUN
-Found home in many places (CSUN, the gym, ambiguity) (April, October, and November posts, respectively)
-Received a message of stunning simplicity from an unlikely source (October post)


I'm not defeated. Not in the slightest. Just a bit weary from the good fight. The tone of this post may well change with retrospect but I'm giving it my best honest shot. I guess that's all I can ever ask of myself. I'm satisfied to leave off with that. Cheers to 2011, All!

"Mirror, mirror please correct me
mirror, mirror please contain me"

"Align our spines and cross these capillary wires"

Immediate Impetus:

As is often the case I found myself sitting at the computer weighing out the want to post versus the content available in my imagination and I hit upon a large enough spark to sign in. Let's see how this one goes. I expect it might be brief. I have a large Christmas post coming up to save stories for.
(tantalizing, isn't it?) [maybe. and only maybe.-Ed.]

Rampage 2011 was the most relaxed competition ever. Day started early with suiting up and conducting my middle-schoolers for their first performance at their annual pancake breakfast. My public conducting debut! Good 60 minute run at the gym was followed by WR rehearsal and Chik-Fil-A (you know, before the explicit gay hate thing...). The Jandro hit upon the best idea ever. We hit up the gym again and sat in the hot tub for 30 minutes, and then the sauna for about 15. Headed over to Rampage and enoyed the rest of my night. That's how competitions should go.

West Ranch's Vega trip was awesome. Started out the night before by hitting up the football game before heading over to Starbucks to work on some credential homework. Got a lot of one of my final projects done while rediscovering VersaEmerge (thanks to Lauren, my new friend!). Hit the gym late followed by some del taco (duh) and slept at Jandros. Woke up at 5! to go to the...GYM again! Got some awesome breakfast burritos at Jimmy Deans before hopping on the buses and passing out. WOke up in Vegas and began to enjoy myself. I love that place. Buffets, gambling, drinks, FREE drinks, pole dancers, 24 hour everything...

I spent a grand total of $10 on the whole trip.

Outcome: SUCCESS!!!

The next weekend I skipped out on WBA champs with GH and Moorpark with WR to play a gig with csun as the Ambient Marching Band for a Trisha Brown Dance Co. production. Yes, that sentence reads the way its supposed to. Ambient marching band. Not paid, but a good addition to my resume and I got good gym and hw time in.

Hw, geez. Never in my life have I been grateful for having time to do my homework...till these past four months. Just before Thanksgiving I filmed myself teaching for my Pre-PACT (you don't want to know what it stands for. no, really, you don't). I spent about 7 hours in front of my computer converting, cropping, uploading, and commenting on the damn thing. 7 uninterrupted hours. This is an experience I'd rather not relive. Alas, my real PACT will easily be twice the workload. Yay, credential process. -___-

Took my annual thanksgiving walk by myself for a change. Memory lane was a bit cluttered this year. Solitude was probably a good thing for my head.

Thanksgiving with my family was really nice. I mean the TurBACONducken gave everything a nice greasy sheen of awesome, but actually seeing (yes, I live at home. that's the irony.) and spending time with my parents and sister was really enjoyable.

Up at 5AM sharp to dive into the Black Friday Maelstrom that was Kohls...

There were two people in line ahead of me at checkout. Wah Wah. The cashier had a look of horro that told me I was right not to go at midnight when they opened. Met up with Moe Moe for my shopping, tried on a few jackets and settled on a leather Levi's jacket for $52 that was originally $130. Put on my jacket and got on a plane to Chicago. Yep, that sentence reads true as well.

I got a tuba tech position with the Colts Drum and Bugle Corps in Dubuque, Iowa!!! Super excited to get out into the activity again this summer.

The last wind Ensemble concert was an eventful day. Gh rehearsal at 7am, gym, Rosemont had no power so driving there and holding class was an interesting excapade, got some gas, some del (duh) and had our dress rehearsal. Our dress rehearsal went long but I had planned on a second gym trip and dammit all if I wasn't insistent on getting it done. As soon as we let out of dress rehearsal I ran to my car which was parked seven blocks away, threw my clothes off, threw my gym clothes on, drove over, jumped out of the car, threw my shit in a locker, did the most intense 15 minutes on a stairmaster, got in the shower, changed, got to the car, changed into my tux WHILE DRIVING (note: don't do this. ever.), parked seven blocks away from campus again, finished changing, bought a ticker for my ma, gave it to her, adjusted my bowtie, and STILL got backstage with five minutes to spare.

Now, without qualification or hyperbole, I had the most musical experience of my entire career at csun on stage that night. Elsa's Procession to the Cathedral had that certain mixture of intent, involvement, commitment, communication, and patience that makes music just click. and oh, it clicked. In the words of my director: "THAT is why we play music". truly a beautiful moment.

And now the caveat to my night. In my mad dash to and from the gym I realized something:

I forgot clean underwear.

My concert was performed commando. Quite a "Daniel" way to finish off the story, I think.

Tune in for my annual Christmas post on...wait for it...Christmas!

"Problematic to believe, let alone perceive"

Let me start off by letting you all know that I'm currently blogging from a Starbucks in La Crescenta on a netbook while sipping down a salted caramel mocha and I'm dressed in nice shoes, a button up and khakis. Bourgeois much?

Now before I get sidetracked lets deal with the title. On monday evening I went to the Freudian Sip on campus before my 7-10pm class for a muffin. I walked up to the register, pointed at the muffin furthest back and asked the cashier what kind it was. He stares at it for a good fifteen seconds, consults the barista working with him, promptly turns to me, and flatly declares "the ambiguous kind". I don't even miss a step. I said "I will take it" and was on my way. It was delectable. Fifteen minutes later the muffin was gone and I STILL don't know what kind it was.

Delicious Ambiguity.

Now of course comes the part where I extend my title concept into various aspects of my life.

I've been describing myself as scatter-brained to many people that ask me how I am. I don't really like that phrase. It comes off as more unorganized than I am. In truth, with all the things I've been juggling I think I've been doing a relatively decent job at remembering everything.

I feel like the word ambiguous is a better adjective for me right now, not for outward appearances but internally. In each setting (Student Teaching, Granada, West Ranch, Wind Ensemble, Wind Symphony, Credential Courses, my LIFE) I present a clear and direct approach to what I'm doing, but internally I feel like a Mac.

Yes, I really typed that (On a windows netbook nonetheless). It's like that setting where the browser pulls back and displays all the pages and windows you have open with a slightly whited out screen. Everything I'm doing is clear and UNambiguous when it's right in front of me, but the transition times between feel very ambiguous indeed. My regular "me time" is the hardest to start back up. I have to very carefully set aside time and mentally prepare for being just me. Not to say I'm not myself when I'm at my jobs or school (indeed I pride myself on expressing my personality in those settings, for better or worse), but more to say being just me without concerns for all my outside activities.

I had a good moment this last Sunday. After lessons I drove home, picked up my earbuds, and headed up to braemore. I walked over to the far edge of the cliffs near tampa and sat. I sat for 60 minutes and listened to an entire album. "Age of the Fifth Sun" by God Is An Astronaut. While sitting there I realized something.

This ambiguity is correct. This is what being a mature adult is about. I can keep all these things separate from one another. A mixup in one will not affect the others. I can juggle many things and fully be myself in each of them. Yes the expression of my personality is different in each, but no less authentic.

Delicious Ambiguity.


"The Coup de Grace that set me off would make for decent fiction"

Well here we go folks. I'm going to put forth my best effort to finally write out and publish a post I began nearly two months ago. I have a feeling I may be in this seat for a while, but I've got an itch to write, a want to share my narrative, a craving for self-deprecating reflection. I've got plenty of other things I should do, but I'm here so I may as well see how much abuse these keys can take tonight.

"Balance broken is momentum gained"

Imagine the setup: I'm at ET park with Cat Wilson swinging on some swings, taking in the valley for all its grandeur and smoggy haze. Freebirds is mentioned, a common occurrence. She asks If I wanna go. What do you think I said? Always a good drive, this one certainly did not disappoint. Good conversation with someone I hadn't gotten to know very well so far. Something about the road to SB catalyzes good interactions. The traffic on the way home, the subsequent overheating of may car and hour long nap while it cooled down didn't detract from the night in my opinion =P
The stuff good memories are made from.

Before she left for Santa Cruz I put in some time with Amara to talk about life and such, as we often do. With our age gap and her being a former student I often end up putting myself in the role of adjunct spiritual adviser by way of vulgarity. Yes, that is how i typed it. Basically my advice based on experience and know-how come to her in the form of thinly veiled shock therapy. Anyway we played some trash can derby and I got a Tyler durden sense from the whole picture: her swinging away at cans while I stood back calmly and spewed forth my personal brand of optimistic cynicism. Its odd when you realize how many forms teaching and helping others can really come in.

So my days now consist of running around from Rosemont MS, CSUN, West Ranch, and Granada. Being a modern man, I now employ "hip" lingo when refering to each of these locations: The Rose, The Ranch, the Ridge, and the Hills. I'm definitely with the times.

Ok, to be truthful I only use those terms in my little daily blog. If you ever hear me say those terms out loud (maybe with the exception of "the ranch") you have my full and explicit permission to curb stomp me.

WAIT! how did I forget to post this???!!!

I MADE IT TO THE GYM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!!!! 366 Days Straight. August 24, 2010-August 24, 2011.

244 hours of running
Approx. 1,500 miles covered
Approx. 275,000 calories burned

I really feel like the gym is a second home. Not in the sense that I'm addicted, but more that not being there would be weird. Being on the go from four schools has meant I've begun to live out of a duffle bag. I carry around nice student teaching clothes, workout clothes, and casual clothes for school and 90% of the last two months showers have been at LA fitness. I've begun using the sauna( Like I of all people need to sweat more!!!), which makes me feel like a true member (wow, that's cheesy). I still haven't missed a day and I'm still losing weight, so my initial goal of making a good habit seems to have been accomplished. At the end of at all though, I have to say one of the crowning achievements of the year long excursion has been that my towel-skirt-making skills have been perfected. You have no idea how happy I am that towel skirts finally fit on me.

A couple weeks ago I hit the food trucks with some coworkers before playing a poker game against three, yes three, of my bosses. That was quite interesting.


Finally got to see The Dear Hunter live a couple weeks ago. Went out to see them headline in Pomona w/Beca. They played a lot of stuff from the Color Spectrum (nine EPs, four songs each-black, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, white) which I had not yet heard (but I've gotten it since then) and even though I didn't know most of the songs, the variety of styles from one EP to the next was fantastic. The crowd singalong to "Red Hands" at the end capped off a huge buildup that I had been waiting all night for. Indie music orgasm.

I'm over halfway done with my eat-everything-on-the-menu card from Fab Hot Dogs. Originally meant to be done in concert with Moe Moe, I wasn't able to restrain myself and I've probably been there ten times in the past three months. I had three hot dogs in one sitting to celebrate my gym anniversary. That's healthy, right? The important thing to note here is that if you've had a dog from Fab you'd be inclined to agree with me

The day before my Labor Day party I had the privilege to be outside during the absolute best sunset I've seen in years. If only I could find to words to describe how if feels to be in the presence of such a glorious sight. Clear views of the mountains all around with a sky chock-full of every cloud type imaginable. Wispys, puffies, rainies, you name it. The setting sun started no fewer than three rainbows that I could see from where I was standing. If someone could ever say that I had a reverent moment it would not be while listening to music while roaring down the highway with the windows down. It would not be in the intimate company of a female. It would not be marching DCI finals with my Santa Clara Family. It would be on a dusty little hill in the middle of American Suburbia gazing at some moisture and light suspended in the sky.

Speaking of my party, it was pretty awesome. Couldn't get my BBQ to work so I ended up showing of my mad George Foreman skills for everyone. SO MUCH FOOD. SO MANY FRIENDS. And Dalia showed up for the first time, ever. =) In the portfolio of my life I'd say my parties go into the category of "moments I wish I could wrap up in a big fat quesadilla". Those familiar with my post in Sept. 2005 will understand this sentiment.

A couple weeks ago I did something I've always thought about in a "i wonder if that would be sad and awkward" way. I went to food trucks all by my lonesome.

It wasn't...too bad. I had some good food and felt good walkin around. Of course I ran into an acquaintance that asked if I was alone was was too chicken to just say yes. I said my friend were at another truck and made my escape. Pansie. Continued walking down Zelzah till I happened to find myself in an Apartment full of friends... Actually that part's true. I was headed to Denia's Bday party and felt like walking. Walking home at 2am was a little eerie, but enjoyable nonetheless.

The next day after picking up my paycheck from EKMK I was driving out to begin lessons with two new students (a WR baritone and her adorable 8yr old brother who could not be more enthusiastic about playing the trumpet) and rain began to fall. Big rain. Big ole' fat rain. Anberlins Dark is the Way, Light is a Place immediately found its way into my CD player and the entire experience was enhanced. Perfect rainy music.

You may never forget, America, but i will. I cannot express enough how pointless it is to put so much effort in "remembering" that day. This is not an opinion of anger, but one of disappointment. It seems painfully obvious to me that if we spend millions and millions on monuments and anniversary ceremonies rather than putting said millions towards good causes the people who caused 9/11 really did win. "Remembering" is not showing that we are strong, its showing that we're really good at feeling sorry for ourselves. That others cannot see these trite memorials for what they are is very sad to me indeed. You may never forget, but I will, because I am strong no matter what happened back then, not because or in spite of.

Return of the Shazam: Sept. 17th came and my speakers poured out the bombastic Foxiness into the air around my car. Flashbacks to last years discovery of the reincarnated Queen, the beginnings of my Gym adventure, good times with Allie, and marching band season. Oh the memories music can trigger.

Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha Frapuccino is delectable in every sense of the word. I needed to put that one out there. For references sake.

Three weeks ago I felt that naturalist tingle while I was teaching my last lesson of the day. I looked outside and indeed another amazing array of clouds was moving into the sky above the valley. I drove home, changed into shorts, and propelled myself up the street towards rinaldi to run in the crisp air. Accompanied by The Dear Hunters most enlivening charts of course. After my shower Moe Moe picked me up and we had a fantastic feast at Stonefire out on the Patio. It was on of those warm cocooning moments where I at once felt very close to the situation while being an appreciative observer at the same time. The clouds were so prominent that the fading twilight only seemed to make their depth even more pronounced. A faint watercolour picture becoming more and more defined as it got darker. Again the reverent feeling. We finished the evening at Barclays with lattes and a very frank conversation. Her conversational abilities have always surprised me and this evening was no exception. Probably the most honest we've ever been.

The very next morning I dropped in at Barclays again before West Ranch because I hadn't seen her in a long while. I'm not even two steps in the door before she exclaims "follow me!" and hands me the keys to her brand new MINI. A couple seconds of gawking and the word "go" was all I needed. I describe the experience as being akin to strapping an engine to your butt. In other words: fuckin awesome.

I shelled out $15 for the Lion King in 3d with more than a little trepidation. That's a lot of money for a movie I own and have seen many many times. The 3d was inconsequential really, but when the Sunrise above the Savanna hit with the opening Vocal call I knew it was going to be an amazing experience. I enjoyed every minute as much or more than when I was a child. A fantastic film.

So I'm relatively skinny now. I have actually reached the point of "normalcy" that I often dreamed about with that detached teenage mindset. Half dream and half disdain, both for myself and the societal concept of "normal". Now that I'm here it doesn't seem like it was that hard to achieve, and IM the one who did the work! If only the present me could have gone to meet the me of seven years ago and roughed him up a bit. To say I haven't changed other parts of my aesthetics would be an understatement. I consider color combinations almost all the time and I really feel uncomfortable and gross wearing anything that's old or baggy on me. I really take pride in looking my best now. Jesus Christos, I opened up a credit card for Kohls the other day and I've already bought five things. The old disdain for being fashionable while secretly wishing I was has molded into a balancing voice between being too materialistic and feeling good about how I look.

Last Night I blacked out for the first time, and I am absolutely not proud of it. For someone who keeps such meticulous track of his life and memories, to not be able to due to NOT having a memory is really unsettling to my inner chronologist. I was definitely drinking to take my mind off my mindset, and I got exactly what I was going to get. I was avoiding a conversation I needed to have and drinking with some younger people who were acting the way I never want to act-the way that fuels my exasperation with drinkers("im so drunk right now!" -__-). One of the girls was flirting with me right away and I honestly felt like I had to push my "tucker max dickhead" button to deal with it. Problem with my version of that mindset is that I'm still me. I recognized her behavior and flirting, reacted to it on a purely animalistic level, and couldn't help but be filled with contempt for not just how she was acting but how I could play both sides with ease. I did not really enjoy knowing that I wielded that kind of power, because I think it came simply from the fact that she found me physically attractive.

Being thinner and looking good in what I wear has made me cognizant of a level of "the game" that I've never been privy of before. I'm not longer just the nice guy who looks at attractive girls and fumbles the courting process. In the past months I've noticed more than a few double takes from women walking by me. ME!!! of all people!!! I've never been that guy. The other day a girl admitted that she had been attracted to me since the first time she saw me. I'm not mentally equipped for that! In my head I always imagined what it would be like to have women notice me, but of course now that it's happened I just feel awkward about it. I'm not used to having the power of looks, and I almost hate that they've come into play, because I know it would be easy to abuse them. I say this not with a sense of egoism, but a sense of humility because I know that girls can and have abused the power of looks with me before and it fucking sucked.

The relationship spectrum with me over the past few months has been quite the variety show:

-Hooking up with that girl back in July. A lot of me still is still shocked and ashamed.

-Taking Stephanie out for my first real dates (as in dates that were part of a courting process) and watching all that effort not come to fruition (it happens. oh well.)

-Meeting a guy who hates guys and not being able to even begin to tell him how little that path is going to get him. He fancies himself a prince charming who will sacrifice anything to be nice and helpful to the girls he likes. SOUND FAMILIAR ANYONE?!? That used to be ME. Being nice does not mean being a pushover, and focusing all your distaste on guys who play the game is not the way to get anywhere. Of course guys treat girls like shit. And of course some girls lets guys treat them like shit. Everyone has that capacity, even the simultaneously self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating "prince charmings". It literally pains me that I cannot explain this to him. He's going to have to learn the way I did. Fucking up and trying again. Stupid hopeless romanticism.

-Realizing that EVERY girl I know has a very telling weakness that they keep hidden. I know, revelation, right? (sarcasm) It's just been prevalent over the past few months and always surprises me that I'm surprised by it. Of course girls have weaknesses. So do I.

-Starting down the path towards casual dating with someone and then backpedaling because Im too busy and honestly I kind of enjoy being single right now. My schedule and responsibilities mean I need absolute control and choice in what I do right now. But of course part of me feels like a dick for even playing the game that much. I'm clearly not one for giving myself a break, am I?

I witnessed a very moving moment a few weeks ago. It was dressed up with comedy and amazing wordplay but was absolutely stunning in its simplicity. DC Pierson put on a show called DC Pierson Sucks at Girls and being a fan I went to see it. I had actually heard two of the three stories already, but his delivery is always refreshing and enthralling so I was happy to hear the repeats. He opens with the story of how he randomly fell in love in middle school, as teenage boys often do. As I did as a teenager. Well of course he wrote her a love letter expressing his feelings to that girl, a tactic every hopeless romantic has adopted (ahem: me. I still have some of them.) She rejected him at the time, as girls are wont to do, and his stories moved on to his crazy hippie girlfriend and a stripper he dated later on. To wrap up the show he told us what the catalyst was for him putting it together in the first place. The girl he had written the note to all those years ago had emailed him asking if he remembered giving her the note. Well of course he did, and he was really nervous that she was bring it up now, in their late twenties. She went on to say that it had truly been the nicest thing anyone ever did for her. All the crazy exceptions he had made for his hippie girlfriend and the stripper, all the game playing, all the vain reaching for affection...it's easy to get caught up in working really hard for relationships and forget. Forget that just writing a note about how you feel to a girl you feel it about can be a really cool thing.

The coolest thing, really.
I don't want to forget that. Ever.

Gosh I wish I could fine the time to post.

Wait a sec, isn't he posting? Hmm...food for thought.

I actually have an outlined post of ideas and threads I want to flesh out just waiting for me to start pressing keys. I've updated the list of topics three times and...this is not it. It's on it's way.

Key thoughts here:
-Does the fact that I'm outlining a post make me a more legitimate writer?
-Does the fact that I'm posting about a forthcoming post make me a more legitimate writer?
-Does the fact that I'm talking about my posting of the forthcoming post make me a self-involved shmuck of a writer?
-Will you all ever get tired of my borish self-analysis?

I bet I could guess your answers to my questions.

Todays weather was fitting for the Equinox. The airs a bit crisp, with that energy that only autumn can bring.

"I stop my slurring speech and expect the best reply"

Okay, so If my post title comes from a lyric I THOUGHT I was hearing, but turned out to be different, does that mean I can credit it to myself? Do I have to say "inspired by"? Does copyright matter on the worlds least viewed blog? [lame placement of self-deprecation-ed.] [Do you really need to make your presence known in EVERY post? and this early in the post to boot?-Daniel]
[...you realize you could end my editorials at anytime, right? or is that not how fake multiple personality disorder works in your world?-ed.][...I guess not, cause you're still here. And I kinda like you.-Daniel][*tears*-ed.]

Too self-congratulatory? probably. Let's move on.

The Mark of Midget Zorro!!!:

I have a tiny "Z" shaped scar right on the knuckle indent of my right thumb. I got it a couple weeks back working on the roof when I sliced my thumb open length-wise. The only part that hasn't healed is literally a Z (or N when turned sideways) I imagine that in my sleep my thumb either had a fight with the worlds smallest Zorro ever, and lost, OR in my sleep I had a thumb war with a normal sized Zorro and he left his mark with a toothpick.

The Pee Story:

So about three weeks ago I went to The Anytime Show/Magic Bag with Kim. On our way there I was finishing my Macho Diet Coke from Del Taco (read: my personal sidearm, on my person at almost all times. Ask anyone at CSUN or that I work with). As the first interview on the Anytime Show is happening, I realize my bladder has reached maximum occupancy and is posing a fire hazard [fire and urine? don't they negate each other?][Fuck you, my analogy was clever and will stand-Daniel]. Alright, I'm gonna have to be THAT GUY. The interview ends, and as the second one begins I make my way to the bathroom. To set the scene up, you need to know that at the Underground Annex the bathroom is in the back of the room. The underground Annex is a one room building! The bathroom is behind the stage. Dominique, the shows host, of course comments on my unavoidably un-subtle movement, and I make an apologetic gesture.

To further set the scene, the bathroom at the Underground Annex is notoriously tricky when it comes to lighting. The on/off switch is outside the bathroom door, and the light on the inside has a pull string. Here's the catch: even when the on/off switch is ON, chances are only 50/50 that the fuckin pull string is going to work and you have to spend time fiddling with the switch and the string to illuminate your pee space. Knowing this, I've already prepared myself to be peeing in the dark. It's cool, I have a cell phone if I really need to see something.

So I start peeing, and I realize this is going to be a long one. That was a LOT of fuckin soda. My next thought is that I can kinda Hear Dominique, the interviewee, and the audience through the door. I wonder if they are making fun of me. I wouldn't blame them, my exit/entrance was awkward. I kinda wish I could hear what is being said. Stupid wish.

My next realization is that the sound of everyone outside is getting louder. I remember that being a low-rent place, the door knob on the bathroom doesn't work and you need to use a low-budget latch to secure the door...

I have forgotten to do this.

Thusly, the worlds worst positive feedback loop is set in motion. I can hear the shows host remarking how long it is taking my to pee. Stage fright sets in, and my peeing slows. My slower peeing pace means the volume of urine hitting water is lowered in the bathroom. That means I can more clearly hear the audience laughing at my expense. That means my stage fright increases, meaning I pee slower, volume lessens, I hear more, etc.

Fuck causality. And fuck positive feedback. I never thought I'd take a leak of over a minute and a half.


This was actually pretty entertaining to me, and that's a good thing. To quote Tucker Max, "If I can't take a joke, fuck me."
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I've been placed for student teaching at a (semi) local middle school to work with their strings program, and am literally the luckiest man alive. If I had teaching at 7, 8, or 9am, I'd have had to give up my job at GH. If I had teaching 12,1, or 2, I'd have had to give up my spot in wind ensemble. I've been languishing in limbo over this all summer...

I student teach at 10:40 am. I can do GH, student teaching, AND Wind Ensemble. I literally have zero concern for how busy I'm going to be. I get to do everything. I may even be able to play another woodwind (or bassoon again) in Wind Symphony. Typical move for me: after being too free, I will burden myself with far too much work. Haha, it'll make my eventual re-entry into free time that much better. That is literally a motivating factor for me, a vague and indeterminate point in time on an unspecified date. Is that completely stupid, or only partially? Or is that just how motivation is supposed to work?

Anywho, WR and GH are both set to have great seasons. The Ranch has a much more achievable show, finished the opener with a day to spare before our parent performance, and even have several of my visuals in place already. Granada right now has on paper, 110 winds, 38 percussion, and 20 flags, for a total of 168. That number will likely fall a little bit, but I don't see us marching any less than 150 this year. Back to 5A =) I'm having a really good time teaching so far this year.

Back to my title, when I misheard that lyric, I thought the phrase "Constantly, every now and again" was pretty cool word play. I started to think about all the constant motives and underlying impulses in our lives that only surface from time to time. Either human urges, or simply personality characteristics that have become outdated/inappropriate at the wrong times.

-The need for a hug/physical contact
-The urge to break things
-The urge to act/talk like a child
-The urge to push your limits (even to the point of martyrdom)
-The urge to be selfish
-The urge to give
-A severe craving for a hot dog (usually one from Fab)
-The need to move around/be active
-The feeling of being wrapped up tightly in blankets/soft textiles
-The feeling that you are the smartest person to live and your human experience os more unique than others
-The feeling that you will always be awkward, naive, inexperienced, and judged for it
-The feeling that you can get a grip on anything in your life with enough time and practice

I've had a lot of these feelings resurface over the past few weeks, so of which haven't been around in a while. None of them stay too long, or to the point of being problematic, but only now have I become very aware that they just recede to the "b-list", and not completely out of mind. Less Conscious vs. Subconscious and more Conscious vs Conscious Minus. This is really just a variation of the thoughts is talked about in A Mental Mixing Board, but it came to me separately, so I figured I'd post it.

For the first time ever I think I may be completely overwhelmed with new music. But as stated in To Circumvent All Circumstances, I don't feel like I've glossed over too much, and a lot of jewels have turned up.

In Fear And Faith: Thick, hard-hitting, post-hardcore, with a good melodic sense
All Time Low: Pop Punk that makes you want to dance
I see Stars: Super Sugary, Synthy Post-hardcore that is undeniably a sin to listen to
Skrillex: Fuckin Bass drops to the max
Powerspace: Powerpoppunk. 'nuff said.
Of Mice and Men: Throat shredding screamo with good atmospheric ideas
Sleeping with Sirens: Second album with stronger songs and even stronger singing
Skillet: "Christian Rock" a la Linkin parks style, but I've yet to hear anything jesus related, so the quotes remain
Monty Are I: What you'd get if you had a three-way with a ska band, a post-hardcore band, and an alternative band, plus harpsichord and a chorus
I rival: Simple no frills rock with a catchy lead singer
Mechanics of the Heart: Literally formed to "fill the void left by The Receiving End of Sirens" How could I not invest?
Dearestazazel: Someone needs to tell these guys the 80's are over...but it sure as hell isn't going to be me. Shameless synth ftw.
Nicki Minaj: Super Bass will NEVER leave my head. I've come to this conclusion after it being in my head for 20+ days straight
Dead Letter Circus: A slightly more stream-of-thought version of Closure in Moscow. Apparently Australia is ruling music in terms of innovation these days.


"This crude cast of our intent"

I'm the most optimistic cynic you'll ever meet. In Dawkins' words "a deeply religious non-believer".

In anniversarial news tomorrow begins my first block of actual scheduled work outside of lessons. Band camp will usher in the school year, followed shortly by CSUN and students teaching (which look like they will begin on the same day, though my school site isn't confirmed yet). With all the free time I've wasted these past two months I honestly welcome the structure. I fell none of the trepidation I did last year.

Moreover, I think that directly stems from this past week/end being one of the best of my year so far. What a nice send-off.

Tuesday I hike in the morning, went to the gym, and then hiked again in the evening at mission point with Jandro, Mike, and Andrew before a good round of Texas hold'em at Drews where Nick and Ric joined us.

Wednesday I had some nice me time at the gym and reading at Del before running some errands for my parents. Browsed the interwebs for a while after that, discovering and downloading more new music (Monty are I, Dearestazazel, IRival, and without shame, Nicki Minaj's 'Super Bass', which is quite simply...catchy). After prepping my driving playlist (a somewhat common practice) I gave the old ramblermobile a nice wash and headed out to Thousand Oaks to see a pre-screening of "Wanderlust" with Angela. The movie had it's moments but was very mediocre overall (and Andrew LIED to me about boobies!) [context?-ed.] [I'm rejecting context for humor in this context-Daniel] [...-ed.] Called around afterwards to see if anyone in the area wanted to hang out before I headed home and ended up having a really awesome dinner with Stephanie in Westlake. We enjoyed Margaritas and a banana split while also witnessing a regional bartending championship at Fridays. From now on I will only accept drinks that have been poured from a spinning bottle while MUSE is blasting. Went back to Stephanies place and had fun playing with the dogs, cats and balloon owls (sadly, a short life span) and sharing music on Itunes before I headed home.

Thursday I got in a workout, FAB hot dogs w/Moe Moe as we continue on our "eat everything on the menu" cards, watched scrubs and lounged around, napping at some point, and then dinner at Stonefire with my mom and sister. After that I returned to the gym with Allie in tow and proceeded to rock out to some of my new music (yeah, I'm the white guy rocking out to 'Super Bass" on the elliptical...I'm really THAT guy). Showered, played some tuba, and finished my night with scrubs.

Friday began normally (interwebs, gym, shower, lunch and pawn stars) and was capped off with a smorgasbord of food and friends. Close high school friends, co-worker buddies, and csun people all venturing into the GIANT food truck fest that has taken over my community every friday. Note my use of the word community: I've never used it for Granada Hills before. Why? Because in the 22 years I've lived here there HASN'T BEEN a community. 30+ food trucks are showing up weekly now, shops are staying open late, there are street musicians, and the foot traffic is somewhere around 5-6 thousand people. I didn't even know my town had that many people! Anywho after a free-for all on the trucks and two burritos (one sushi, one spicy korean BBQ pork) we all returned to my place and had a campfire and smores. Then Nick (the unstoppable force) and Jandro (the immovable object) faced off in my driveway. Luckily [or unluckily-ed.] there was no head blood to wash away.

Saturday began with Wyatt in my bed.


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and me in the living room. After the gym and tiara(yep, tiara) shopping, the WR staff had a bbq and watched the DCI Atlanta broadcast before playing some of the slowest Texas hold 'em on record. After that Andrew and I proceeded to Beca's birthday Mustache bash (the second mustache party I've been to, and also the second where I received immediate free admission. oh the perks of facial hair.) where I delivered the tiara to the birthday girl and proceeded to fail horribly at beer pong, which meant Andrew drank a ton of beer (probably 3 in just that game). In a move that was half contrition and guilt, half delicious I had myself two rather strong JD honey and cokes (Ok, mostly delicious). The night progressed, socialization happened, the Skrillex blared forth, glow-sticks were had, Beca added a lobster hat to her tiara, and somewhere near the end of the night Drew's drinking hit him like a freight train and a very entertaining shit show came forth. I'll say this though, the man can maintain his composure rather well after two handle pulls of Jose Cuervo gold. Home and sleeping at 4am.

Today began somewhat early at 9am, though a few minutes into my workout my mind and body finally synchronized. Had a quick chat with lea before showering up and heading back out to castaic (where I had been last night for the WR staff meet) for my two lessons. Headed out to Westlake (after these past few days I feel like a regular) for a pool party at Chini's, where I promptly napped and then ate some sammiches (yes, in that order) before six-man-slightly-delayed-yet-synchronized cannonballing and a great round of water ninja. Hit the bank and gassed up and headed out to camarillo during the prettiest sunset I've seen in a year and met up with Stephanie, Sam, and Jessica at Sky High. Sky high is an indoor playground made entirely of trampolines. and a foam pit. Translation: the floors are literally made of fun. Had a great time jumping around before heading back to Agoura for some IHOP where we learned that stephanie is great at taking stealth pictures and Sam and I look terrible on candid camera. Drove home and started blogging. Wrote about all the preceding stuff and now I'm literally writing about the present moment as I type. This could get ugly/long and incoherent very quickly. Most likely due to the fact that I've lost my narrative thread. I should really pick it back up...nope. lost it.

Juxtaposing my reading of Tucker Max's "I hope they serve beer in hell" and it's plethora of drunken exploits with my normal optimistic cynicism creates an interesting when said juxtaposition lens is focused on my current relationships. I know the saying is "One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door" (Or at least that's what the Fall Out Boy lyric is), but this really feels like both feet in the bedroom and both feet out the door. No, I'm not claiming to be quadripedal. Such a statement would detract from my original intent. or already has. blast!

"Let me count the ways
I six, seven, ate my words"

Now that I've opened this post and I'm trying to decide how to best frame the events I'm going to write about tonight I've set myself down the road of trying to figure out what kind of thinking process I have. Do I actively narrate my own existence to myself as I live it? Is it from the first or third person? Do I imitate the kind of narrative I read other authors put in their writings? Is it appropriate to call myself an author instead? Doesn't an author need to map out their intended goals (cause I'm pretty sure I don't do that minute-to-minute)?

I bring this up because I've spent a lot of time today by myself, but not in completely un-exploratory fashion, otherwise known as the norm or "circadian seclusion", whichever you find more colorful (I prefer "the norm") [LIES-ed.] I've spent much of today looking into new music and media to ameliorate [thesaurus.com anybody?-ed.] my day-to-day life. I so often refuse to get into certain media that people recommend to me (usually games of the mmorpg or card type or tv shows) because I say I don't have the time for them. Truth is I have the time (had is probably more appropriate, given that band camp starts in a week) but spending that time on those suggested media would be on top of the things I already waste my time on, namely pokemon, pawn stars, and scrubs, and I would feel even more unproductive than I do on days that I spend exclusively enjoying those three things.

So today, in addition to engaging in some of all my three time-wasters, shopping for shorts and undies (teehee) [observe the low bar for maturity in 23-year old males-ed.], I endeavored into Borders closing sale looking to enhance and enrich my knowledge base. Fitting to their "everything must go" theme, juxtaposed with american consumer culture, sale prices were only 20% off, the floors were covered in straw and candy wrappers (from where? I have no clue), and most of the books were on the shelves with their spines facing away from me.

Observations:

-It's really hard to locate the two sections I frequent, religion and humor (which, if you share my sense of humor should be in the same section, at least the majority of the western religions)

-Most humor books are so not worth the asking price, given that most are lists of chuck norris jokes, and stuff _____ person/people hate (not that I have a problem with that, given my taste for George Carlin's humor)

-I think I may one day actually pick up a book on quantum mechanics

-The amount of information and insight contained in the science section is worth far more than the entire rest of the store, and yet I still went home to look for prices on amazon.

Thus is the story of my latest amazon.com purchase. I held off on the heavy science/religion stuff because I've got three of those lined up in my collection and amazon was running low on two of the comedy books I had in my cart. After my order was placed I continued my search for interesting sources or knowledge/entertainment (after all, shouldn't the best knowledge also be entertaining???) [...damn, you actually hit that one out of the park. props.-ed.] throughout the internet. Hyperbole and a Half and Ham Fisted Theatrics followed shortly thereafter. Two very well written and often times insightful sources of entertainment.

Overarching my ever-present and, I dare say, pragmatic cynicism and un-surpriseable nature I never cease to be amazed at what kind of creativity my generation brings to the table. Latching on to these new, creative sources fuels my own imagination. The sheer amount of thoughts, actions, stories, words, notes, songs, that are brough into existence by people every second of every day creates an unimaginably beautiful tapestry. I felt more connected to the tapestry today by reaching out to these new inlets of media and embracing them. Makes life much richer.

Conversational interlude!

"The same desire inside a new design"